100 Reasons Why I Swiped Left on Tinder

I left-swipe a lot. I can’t work out if I’m too picky, or if I’m one of those bitchy girls who’s bothered about the ‘superficial’ stuff like having all your own teeth, or not being so big you probably couldn’t leave the house. Oh, or not being so thin it looks like I could snap you like a twig. Hey, I might be a size-ist superficial bitch but I’m not in the least bit bothered about how much he earns or what he does for a living. Well … unless he’s a porn star or (apparently) just a courier guy.*

*I admitted I was a shallow bitch about that and took my earlier judgement back. Just so you know. 

But seeing as I don’t seem to find anyone I’m even the slightest bit interested by to swipe right and learn more, I figured I should start a list. It started out as 20, then 50, and then I reached 100 reasons why I swiped right on Tinder. I really am a superficial and picky little bitch.

See:

1. Too old.
2. “I’m looking for a hot blonde who knows how to have fun!” Wow, that’s specific. Next.
3. “Please don’t message this man, he’s an asshole and he has a girlfriend AND a baby at home.” Ooooft, girlfy found his Tinder profile and she is P-I-S-S-E-D. Good luck with that one buddy!
4. Bad teeth.
5. You have airbrushed your face way too much. Leave it out. It’s bad enough when chicks do it.
6. You have a really weird shaped nose. I can’t stop looking at it.
7. Thanks for those three pictures of your new sneakers. I’m not entirely sure how that makes me know more about you as a person but I approve of them at least!
8. Clearly you love yourself. Six topless shots. I get it, you’re buff ting.
9. I’m 30. You’re 21. The superlike is much appreciated but I doubt we’re going to have much to talk about.
10. 27 years old with 3 kids already?! Baggage.
11. “Looking for my beautiful princess?” Yeah? Blurgh. Next.
12. Cross-dresser. Nothing wrong with that obviously, not my jam though.
13. Oh that’s a really big dog. Eeek.
14. You look like someone. I can’t quite put my finger on it and it’ll annoy me every time I see your face until I remember. You were cute but sorry, left-swipe.
15. Vegan. ‘Nuff said.
16. Why would you super-like me if we share the same first name? Although I do like the thought of shouting my own name out during sex.
17. No picture. No likey.
18. Unemployed? At 34? Why? In fact, don’t worry. I don’t care. Swipe.
19. Bugger, you were cute. I should have right-swiped.
20. Could I date another soldier? Nope.
21. Oh, you’re beautiful. Only one picture? Probably not real. Google image? Meh, I can’t be bothered to Google it. Swipe.
22. Why don’t you have any body hair?
23. Men with man-buns really annoy me. I don’t really know why.
24. Those are the tightest jeans I’ve ever seen.
25. Your head is way too big for your body.
26. “I like to party HARD!” Emphasis on the HARD with an exclamation point. I don’t need another boyfriend with a drug / alcohol problem.
27. If you can’t spell the word ‘magic’, there’s no point in us having a conversation.
28. Oh, you’re 110 years old are you?
29. Why do you look different in every single photo?
30. There are so many people in your pictures, I don’t even know which one you are.
31. Cute cat, shame about your face.
32. You look like a guy I once knew. I might have kissed him drunkenly. He kissed bad. Swipe.
33. Yep, you’re definitely wearing makeup.
34. Nice Porsche! Midlife crisis or penis extension? Oh wow, the car’s in almost every photo.
35. I can see your wedding ring in every photo.
36. Is that a picture of you and your ex with her face scratched out? Smooth.
37. Why does it look like all your photos come from the 90’s? Are you actually rockin’ curtains?
38. I don’t like bald guys.
39. I don’t like combovers either.
40. You don’t like cats? Who doesn’t like cats?
41. You work in Burger King? I’m not judging but … Okay, I’m totally judging you. At 33, you’re too old to be working in Burger King.
42. “All women are crazy.” Sure thing dude, big thumbs up!
43. Three mentions of your ex in your profile? Wow, issues.
44. Why are all your photos heavily edited? Like HEAVILY edited? One filter at a time peeps.
45. Why don’t you have a full body shot? If it’s just your face, I’m wondering why.
46. Oh great, some poetry.
47. “Looking for my Miss. Steele.” Ugh, great. Another cliche.
48. Sorry but I can’t date a guy who has better hair than I do.
49. Awesome, more poetry.
50. Are you drunk in every single photo? I don’t drink. Next.
51. Too skinny.
52. You should probably wash your hair from time to time. Either that or hold back on the product. It’s a little Ross Geller-esque for my tastes.
53. Too short. 5 ft 5/6 is my minimum height in men I’m afraid. If you’re any shorter than that, I’ll give you a shot but you’d best be real funny.
54. Oh you’ve parachuted? Cool story bro. You and a million others. Including myself. Notice how it’s not on my profile.
55. “Looking for a wife and potential mother to my children.” Firstly, thanks for letting me know how this is meant to work. Secondly, any woman? Or a special one? Because it sounds as if you’re out trawling for just about anyone. Trust me, I’m not just anyone.
56. You have a cigarette in three out of five photos. I get it, you smoke. I don’t. Swipe.
57. Bugger, I should have swiped right again. I need to swipe slower.
58. You have a pit bull on a chain. I’m not judging you by appearances (I totally am), but I don’t like scary dogs. A pit bull is on my list of scary dogs.
59. Why are you posing with a different girl in each of your photos? Are these conquests?
60. Too tall. 6 ft 4 versus my 5 ft 3 – we’ll look weird.
61. You have the craziest curly hair. I’ve always wanted curly hair. I’m too jealous to date you.
62. Big googly eyes freak me out.
63. Adidas joggers with poppers down the side. I wish I’d screenshotted that.
64. Nice body. Shame it’s probably bred from steroids.
65. All your pictures look the same – same pose in front of the same mirror with exactly the same look on your friends. The only thing that changes is the t-shirt.
66. Your name is Malcolm …
67. You live miles away from me. Like miles. Pointless exercise.
68. You have the shiniest head I’ve ever seen. In every. single. photo.
69. I can’t stand Dobermans. They terrify me. You clearly have more than one.
70. “Desperately seeking my soulmate!” Desperately seeking a sick-bucket.
71. Ooooh another Dom. Image of a whip as your main pic. Original. Insert eye-roll emoji here.
72. Yep, that’s actually a completely different man in every picture. Very obviously a very different man in every picture. I don’t get it. Why do this?
73. Oh look, another 30/40-something year old skater boy. As if I haven’t done that already. Twice. No thanks.
74. Ooooh. You’re my old boss. And you’re engaged to be married. Busted. I always knew you were as shit at being a man as you were shit at doing your job.
75. You’re a reality TV star. Pretty sure I watched you on TV a couple of years ago. Either way, swipe. (I totally lied, I swiped right to see if he would swipe right for me. Nothing as yet …)
76. “Married and looking for discreet NSA fun”. Scumbag.
77. That is the biggest penis I’ve ever seen. Screenshot. To be honest, if my dick was that big, it’d be my profile picture on Facebook and not just Tinder.
78. There’s just something about men with both ears pierced with a gold hoop in each that really doesn’t do it for me. #personalpreference
79. You’re so beautiful I’m actually a little intimidated. I wouldn’t know how to talk to you. Goodbye my friend, I’ll always wish I swiped right …
80. Just the one picture of a koala bear. Could I date a koala bear?
81. Torso pic. Standard douschebag.
82. “I’m just looking for a normal girl. If you’re not normal, don’t bother swiping right.” What the fuck? What’s a ‘normal girl’? Probably not me.
83. Your beard is too big. I can’t see your lips and if I can’t see your lips, I can’t kiss your lips. I like a beard but there’s a limit. I don’t know what that limit is but I know yours is definitely too much.
84. I’ve run out of men. Level up.
85. The pout was nice in the first picture but four pictures of you pouting?! I don’t even do that shit and I’m a pouting queen. Twat. Next.
86. I’m sure that’s the third time I’ve left-swiped you so you’ve either got more than one profile (can you do that?) or you keep deactivating and reactivating it. Either way, no.
87. You have ‘thug life’ written across your profile picture. Clearly a very fast left-swipe.
88. “I can’t get into a relationship, so I’m just on here looking to meet up for fun.” So … Married? Girlfriend? Issues?
89. Another guy, another MMA fighter. Honestly, I’m a lover and definitely not a fighter. Fights just make me cry. I don’t want to see you beating the shit out of someone else and it would horrify me to see you coming home in all sorts of states. By all means take chunks out of each other but no I won’t date you.
90. Another one in the skinny jean parade, this time with shit tribal tattoo and standard tiger-in-Thailand shot.
91. I don’t think I can date a man named Barry.
92. Wow, you remind me so much of my Dad. That’s creepy af.
93. Those are some seriously impressive arm muscles my friend. I’m pretty sure they’re bigger than my waist. I would be so scared you’d crush me in bed. No thanks.
94. Am I allowed to say that someone is butt ugly? Well, you’re butt ugly. Thanks for the super like though. I do appreciate it.
95. Your tattoos are proper shit. Why would you have closeups of them on your Tinder profile?
96. “I’m only in town for a few weeks, looking to have a little fun!” Nice, I’m not.
97. White blonde eyelashes really freak me out.
98. Oh so apparently you’re Channing Tatum? Pffft. I don’t even like Channing Tatum that much.
99. “I’m not looking for no baby mamas.” Well, aren’t you a royal fucking twatbag?
100. I can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing speedos that small.

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